Friday, April 29, 2005
i love mei (not in the dirty sense. one thing u can learn from jc, everything can b put in a dirty sense) =))
Love Life
lately, i've been missing you
and every little thing you do
the way you laugh, your ready smile
and how you walk with me awhile
like sleeping, and waking up to see
someone sleeping right in front of me
then poking fun for unruly books
while my own mess I overlook
and how at times, thoughts spring to mind
funny little things, preserved in time
like m'n'ms and switching tags
and fiddling with all nearby bags
this feeling, so hard to express
perhaps in verse is laid to rest
never think yourself to be
less than meaning the world to me
the only person I could ever stand
upon my defeat, to shake your hand
the only person I have ever known
in talking to, to feel right at home
perhaps me, this single person's ryhme
is little help when you're in a bind
so when all around, night has overrun
just turn to yourself, your inner sun
because it shines, bright as day
your polaris showing you your way
measure life, not in other people's eyes
but in times of joy that
cannot be bought
cannot be studied
cannot be marked
cannot be tested
cannot be won
cannot be auditioned
and cannot be counted
can only be felt by you, yourself
and when these are numerous like drops of rain
you'll live and love life, and forget all pain
this has been a poem
for sam.
love life.
-by mei
it made me cry ='( thnx mei. thnx loads.
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
8:36 PM
# # # Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Came back feeling all guilty cause spent so much time outside not doing anything really fruitful =( So uch for swearing to focus. Didn;t intend to blog, but feel alot better talking to some ppl. Fed up with class politics and other stuff. It takes a hell of a struggle to read into actions, into emotions, and into character, and it even more of an uphill task to get your opinions through and heard and agreed. I can't accept other's opinions that i carn agree. You know tht. Then it feels so damn good to just tell people how you feel, and right after that its the hell of emotions and conscience making you feel that you're backstabbing and betraying and abloody hypocrit.
Enough with stupid thoughts sam. Get a grip, get a life. i need some control. its no good feeling this wae =((
Went to support wq todae under the pretence of surppoting rj (=P) It strange how i nvr saw wq in action b4, or denise or liping in competition b4, or mei playing badminton match b4. not once when i was in crez. i just accpeted the common assumption tht these are good pro sports ppl,, each excelling in their respectige feilds. Now i;m so damn eager to see wq in action. I dunno, its a sense of pride. Zhenghao was like: are u a rafflesian or not? Me: I;m more a crescentian then a raffesian. And Ofelia picked at my badge to remind me of my place =P hey! its not like i didn;'t show my support! it went something alone the lines of :
*rjscores*
"quick quick! act enthu!! *claps claps*
*ac scores**wq beside me claps**i ckap unknowingly*
"oh no, wrong team, act sad! act sad! oh man, i;m so sad =(("
=P anyway met jane and sui linn too. unexpected =)) rj lost 1 game out of 4, but was more exhillerated when ac won tht one game. if u saw u;d understand. it was the real game tht showed, i dunno, spirit? watever lah, i;m not from ac. just a crescentian, then a rafflesian =)
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
10:49 PM
# # # Monday, April 25, 2005
Ok, i;m feeling depresed. And anithing worst then depressed is an unconsolable depressed. its at times like this when u feel u haf no one to help u but urself, and no one suitable u can tok to.
I know i lost the right the moment i stepped in. andi thot i was prepared to lose it. but then, no, i realise not. i dunno if its the fact i screwed, or the fact i lost the right, or what
gained the right tht is making me go sad =((. and i dunno if i could haf gained the right if i had carried on beleiving instead of giving up. in retrospect, i realised i could haf. and i wonder if its too late to go on trying to regain it. after all thts wat everyone says. but theres no denial of yet the other fact. it sucks when u feel u haf nothing u can gather or muster to comfort urself. but if this goes on, i;m gg to lose wat little left of the right tht i haf. and i;m not planning on doing so and lettig myself slide further in.
the reri thing i;m grateful for is shooting me in the foot. i noe wat i shld do, wat choices i should make, but i dunno how to carry it out. i noe and understand reality, tht i shld onli guage myself on myself. not anithing more or less. i noe my limits, i noe my abilities. i dun want to let anione down, my parents nor my frens. this is going too far. way too far. its time to email mei
to have a dog leap at you, run rounds around you, nibble at ur ear, i.e. make u feel welcome and unjudged, removing u from ur troubles, its the greatest joy oen can ever derive from such trivial things. (it doesnt make sense perhaps. but it is wat i;m feeling. pets are therepeutic =))
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
5:55 PM
# # # Sunday, April 24, 2005
Routine everytie i begin workon my study table: look out for all scurrying ants and squash them.
My house is being invaded by ants. At first we knew there were ants in some crack in the wall near my study door, cos small dispersed tiny bacl ants are running ard mytable sometimes. Then There was this once i left a cup of watermelon juice for barely 10 mins and sudenlyt when i came back there was this stream of ants lined from my table down the table leg to this crack in the wall. Putting ant poinson apparently din help. Now they extended their territory. I BET they haf this nest in my keyboard cos last night i saw like 5 -6 ants runing ard my keyboard tray and this ant running back and fro from the key with "5" to the f3 key. *growls* stupid ants. And as if thts not enuf, my house is being invaded by downstairs by red ants.
The park oppositie has like, colonies ofred ants which the furthest they went b4 was for one or two to crawl obliviously into my dad;s car when we open the door. NOw they extended to my gate and are crawling in front of my gate and my neighjbour;s gate and on the walls outside the house. NOW they're in my garden and crawling along my grills next to the front door. Damn bad. looking at them sends chills up my spine. My neighbour complains the ants are alreadi in her living room. Baygone AND ant poson has no effect. So now my grandfather is resorting to burning them by brshing the whole lot of them with a paper lit with fire and my dad is calling the gardener and planning to call national parks(on my insistance) for help.
(i'll sell them to u for 5 cents apiece if u still want ur ant farm, zh. just get rid of them at all costs.)
went to woodlands lib with jasmine todae. microfilm was...=P well, all i can sae is i noe how to use microfilm now. and they dun haf any newspapers after jan 05. and the photocpopu woan was sooooo lazy!!!" the printing service closes at 8.45 u noe"
"but its still 8.43"
"arh..how many? one? okok, quickly. next time give me earlier. one page still can lah...hurry! i want to go home at 8.50 u noe!"
???
(and this black ant jus crawled out of my keyboard and disspeared back in b4 i can squash it)
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
10:01 PM
# # # Friday, April 22, 2005
Ok, its time to unscrew my screwd life. There;s no screwdriver except myself i suppose. Academic works hit a recrod low. Its time to buck up again.
Btw cheryl, heyy!! look at it this wae, u haf 3 ccas, in all of them u r a more or elss core member. i;m not a core member in co leh..a reri RERI subsidiary member, its onli piano ensemble. i wish i had anothe cca where i can b core too!! and i let so many of my frens down!! thing here is, ur life is not bad, really!! cheer up abit and get a routine to follow!! (if it makes u feel better i got 13.5 for bio. =)) oh, and i just passed gp essay =P ) at least u do noe u haf me and geri and tricia ailin e.t.c hu will alwaes ALWAES b thinking of u. cheer up k!! love, sam
went to june;s house. she;s so hospitable! and her family too!! thnx for everything june!!i;m indebted to u ok.,.seriously. ok.tongiht is writing letter night.
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
9:49 PM
# # # Wednesday, April 20, 2005
There, i just let someone else down.
I;msorry chinnie, for not gg out with u to cheer u up when u;re so down =(( stupid ol' me left my phone in the car.and i;m sorrie i;m did not vet ur script or help u in the campaining and am onli toking to u when its all over
I;m sorry june, for stupidly going s11 even when i NOE i'll b late
I;mn sorry for not practicing enuf. or practicing so minimally. like, the bare minimums.
I;m sorry for gving u the wrong number, and i;m sorrie for screwing it up. I know tht no other partner would spend 4 hrs arranging a score cos i complain ritual firedance is too hard. i noe tht any other partner would jusut drop me cos i;m screwing ur chaces of getting into concert too. and i;m sorrie for worrying u. i will not attempt to seek consolation. i;m worried too, i promise u. i'll get tht thing str by tonight.
I;msorrie to
u(1) for even thinking this wae. its a total ingratitude on my part
I;m sorrie to
u(2) too for even copmtemplating it. cos i know its surefire wae of screwing frenship method 1
and i;m sorrie for being like tht. ugly side of character symptom 1.
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
8:18 PM
# # #
Oh damn it. I made a thousand and one errors. I think i shan't go to sch tmr cos i haf no freaking idea how to face people anymore. In more ways than 1. sam, you carn go on letting down ppl like tht, u carn expect forgiveness more then once, at the rate you;re going, u're ruining ALL your friendships. ALL. please, and i still want to make more frens, still wat to consolidate curent frenships. i carn screw up my social life when my cca life and academic life is screwed alreadi. i carn go on sleeping and getting distracted when theres tutorials tapping their feet in impatience to b carressed. GET A GRIP. FOCUS. WATCH UR STEP. STOP SLCKING. in short, GET A LIFEEE. i'll try. i'll try my best and i'll NOT make my promises empty promisses. i swear this on my life.
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
7:34 PM
# # # Tuesday, April 19, 2005
aArh, i rmb what i want to post last night alreadi. Sound of music. =PP
First found out we were seated in circle 3. At first i thought it wasnt the last circle, so when my mum saed its the worst seat she had ever gotten, i was like, nah, i think i sat there b4. Then I found out it IS the last circle. After taking the longer-then-usual escalator still had to walk ythis nver-walked-b4 flight of stairs. First sign tht it was the circle-that-i-nvr-sat=in-b4. Then we entered, and the ursher there looked at our tickets, and extended his left arm. " there, the last row." =P my parents were aghast. =PP if our tic was the last cat those in the stalls must haf cost a bomb lah =P but seriously, it was ok, can see everything quite clerly except the nuns, which just look like splotches of black and white. Carn beat the movie, i dare say. dun like maria. but the captain looked good! as in, he looked damn good in uniform. i fink i;m geveooping a fetish for men in uniform. CAPTAIN'S unifor btw.
Today's speech was damn funni =PP
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
8:55 PM
# # # Monday, April 18, 2005
Can;t really rmb what I wanted to blog..think..come on..tink...THINK...nah..carn rmb. in the meantime, let's blog abt some senseless stuff while i attempt to jolt my memory
i just striked out an entire para of relatviely funni stuff cos it sounded reri VERY bad. ok, forget it. arhhhhh..y life is so discombulate. and highly screwed. WHERE;S THE SCREW DRIVER TO UNSCREW MY LIFE?!!! SCREWDRIVER!!!
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
11:05 PM
# # # Saturday, April 16, 2005
Ok, its NOT my fault i didn't update. Repeat: NOT MY FAULT.!! Wanted to update ok!! There;s thi entry saved as draft somewhere cos i fell asleep and my sis saved it for me (=P wah lao, now ever7yolne is commenting how matured my sis is, tell ppl i;m asleep, turn on aircon, turn off my com e.t.c. e.t.c. hmph.=P) So anyway, not bothering to continue that entry, cause circumstances have changed and whatever emotions and stuff to burst out has changed too (duh...)
Soo..Let's go down issue by issue for the week systematically
1) Mei;s left. Met her at heeren on Thurs. Had only like, what, 3 bucks in my wallet? Went to NYDC (don't ask. it was the wishes of geri and mei) AN so...
Mei: You owe me twelve bucks! There, i'm going torecord it in my hp. 12 bucks!
=P
While waiting for HUimin, we lifted the cheese of the pizza and poured quantitudes of tobasco sauce into her pizza!!
Huimin: *Mouth full of pizza*
Mei: *collapsing in giggles and staring intently at huimin*
Huimin: *impassive*
Mei: Don;t you taste anything>? we put in tobasco sauce
HUImin: *thinks* oh yeha, its quite hot, trying to ren3
anyway, point here is, haven;;t did plotted such stuff with mei for so long!!OR anyoen for that matter. sighhh....
Length of Time Mei came back: 3 weeks (26th Mar - 15 Apr)
Times met Mei: 5 Times
26th Mar: KAP and my hse
27th: Lunch at Heeren
5th Apr: Dinner at Bukit Timah
8th Apr: Holland V (i;mreri reri rer igrateful for this outing k...)
14th Apr: Heeren in the afternoon
Treats
Un Flag, Blue wristband, Sakae sushi lunch, NYDC uicecream, (exc. the last one where she recorded 12 bucks in her phone
Stuff to do for herL:
Give out her 7 flags
Give out wq's present
Burn the cd and mail it to her
Kepp the yr book properly to if her in june
Yayyy.
Anyway, thnx mei. Thanks loads for everythihgn (and i carn even complete the last 2 tasks. bleagh. i;m sorrie...)Its like, first it was the struggle to get more and more memories b4 she leaves, den the torturous looming of the dae she was leaving, then the moping ard, as if the hols were over even though it was onli beginning dec. Tht time was like, carn go out without thinking of alll i did in the better part of the hols.ot being able to enjoy properly...Then th first gathering when sch started was like, ehz..something is missing. esp what with all tht og social problems...then b4 u noe it. she;s back. (and b4 u noe it, she;s gone again) nope, this para doesnt have ani point. just senseless rambling and some recollection of the emotions rollercoaster. =)
2) Keep letting ppl down. (sigh, its hard to type abd think with my ear on the phone. another day)
3) Went to schfr co todae. Emt hanyou after cca. went to carry her double bass up to the seminer rooms (=P) and witnesed bandminton trainings =)) so hot =)) hahahha!!the phys lecturer plays damn coolly!! its soo hiong lah! much much nicer then susilo!!
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
11:10 PM
# # # Monday, April 11, 2005
Phew. Episode over I hope.I'l do better from now onwards.
Yap Huiwen SamanthaAgenda 1. To be a better person and friend. No kidding. I'm an awful person. You all don't wanna know.
2. Catch up on all the tutorials and lectures. Finally bio test is over. Yay.
3. File in all my stuff. Yay.
4. Get GP project done. GET IT DONE GET IT DONE.
5. Tally treasury
6. Get those darn interpretations for ACLM right. MASTEER IT DAMN IT
7. Master duets. 2 duets. Don't let June down. *nods firmly*
(continue later. need to do p project and not let zhao ke down =))
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
8:30 PM
# # # Sunday, April 10, 2005
was ranting and ranting on fri. and the post i ranted apprarnlty is on my dashboard but not published despite incessant ctrl-refreshes
aniwae, feeling KINDA better now. my srp mentor din reply me!! and i nvr realised how despo i feeel!! arhh!! i want to do pharmacy!! pleaseee. got rejected enuf times this yr already ok!!! come on...
bio test is gg to b a horror. i can feel it in my bones. =( and mei is gg back soon =((( sighhz. oh and icarn go for chorale concert!!!! i forogt i;m watching sound of music!! sighhh.
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
5:42 PM
# # # Friday, April 08, 2005
Just a quick post b4 i go for dinner
Follow up on issue 1:
I love mei =) did i mention tht? i love her. she treated me to nydc mudpie after i todl her how damn depressed i was last night and i onli had 3 bucks in my wallet. *un flag flutters on my study table* walked till 7 but i dun realli care. i need and welcome the break. if i had been in crez i'd just went str down to KAP or venezia or jelita aniwae.
I dunno how long i can keep up with this. i dunno how i can keep on typing, taggin,g sending, and msn-ing without getting the returns. I;m dun beleive i;m such a awful person, and i want to beleive i realli felt tht wae. i;m NOT fake, and i;m NOT pretending.
To all in general
if i said, give me your hand
let me be second in command
walk in your shadow, by your side
support you upon your stand
be the listener no one can
because you mesmerize them
what would happen if i said
give me the task of guarding your back
let me be not hero nor foe
but simply companion
advice to give, but unintruding
upon the way you lead, wherever
even unto the dragon's lair
for when it comes, flames blazing
let me be there, providing aid
giving you the moment's chance
to throw that fateful lance
to gain the fame, admiration
that you deserve, let me stand back
what would you do
if i said, no matter who you become
i will be your second in command.
will you then, give me the trust
i need i wish i hope i am earning
give me the sign i am deserving
what will you say to my entreating?
-ripped from mei;s blog.
i'll do the best and furthest i can, but sometimes, it takes stregnth to try to resist. like, alot. btw, i shan't seek consolation and more attn. there are more deserving souls
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
8:07 PM
# # # Thursday, April 07, 2005
2 separate issues to tok abt. and they haf to be vague. read: VAGUE. if not its gg to b damn awkawrd if ppo actualyl decipher wat i;m toking abt.=P
Issue 1:
Wonder how long do i haf to go on like tht. its a FAKE image, for gods sake. I know that with mei back, i shld at lesast take advantage of her prescene and the fact tht she;s onli a phone call away to tok to her to destress, cos she;s the onli person not caught up in the insanity of the whole thing, and is not involved in ani wae, and i can tok comfortably to without feeling scared of being judged. And i haf a feeling she understands. Quick grab her to tok to b4 she leaves again and one phone call costs a few dollars!!! but there's a bio test and if i carry on falling asleep every night like tht, i;m nvr. read: NEVER. going to finish studying. NOt to mention how ppl will go like: arh, i KNEW it, she;s those sort hu carn study. u all noe hu. ok, so its paranoia. but stil. i WANT to do well. How i wish cts could b as easy going as mrs tan. sighhs should haf treasured hre more huh.
Issue 2:
don;t know how bad i feel now. Its not anibody;s fualt, and i noe i;m not the onli one hu feels this wae. it was awful and orrible. and yesh, i SHLD haf made things clear sooner. instead of resorting to this, and caused the spread. i didn't mean for it to spred. i realli didn;t!now i made a swear. and i swear i'd keep to iti will. i PROMISE.
sighhhz.
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
7:13 PM
# # # Wednesday, April 06, 2005
sho sad =(
I just finished reading my archie comic of the month. meaning i dun get to read another one until 1st may. and i havent had a proper comic book since huimin gave me her entire library of them. ARCHIE COMICS ANIBODY?!!! come on!!!
arh..craving for cold storage too!!
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
6:25 PM
# # # Tuesday, April 05, 2005
yayy.
Indian dance got gold with honours!! GOLD WITH HONOURS!!! congrats geri and miaochang!! all tht ear hole stuff paid off!!yayy.
And zhenghao got his mit attachmetn!!!
=)) and i met mei todae again. (too bad i din meet ginny though =(( mei gave me this super old show on vcd cos it came free with her stephun fung movie =PP thnx! ahaha!)
seriously though, i;m feeling underaccomplished, and slighted. (STOP slighting me. you don;t hjalf understand. and i;m NOT AS U THINK. STOP IT. STOP ITTTTT)arh..watever lah..another 9 daes b4 mei leaves? huimin! farewell? no? aniwae i prob carn go lah huh..
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
9:40 PM
# # # Sunday, April 03, 2005
ARh, the pope is dead. Sho sad. Ok, actually I din care at all. The past ffew daes newspaper was like: pope is deathly sick. And I;m like, nah, he won;t die. Then all the tributes in the news came in, and i didn't care either. But then CNA, 93.8, BBC broadcast him again and again and again, then sudenly i;m like, ok, tht;s how i want to live my life. To be known as an advocate of some cause, and campaign tirelessly for it as long as i live. What a fulfilling life this guy must have known.
Anyway i decided i shall stop whining and piling my contridicting thoughts on other ppl, cos it serves no purpose and i feel damn stupid afterwards. i shall clear my head of all thoughts and live life as it comes =)))
I;m feeling kinda confused right now. There;s the issue of council and the issue of class comm. Argh, wait. Clear my head of all thoughts. b4 i post stuff i regret posting. Just a word to everyone there: forget everything i sae. Forget i saed stuff tht i dun want to join council and so on. cos i;m damn scared i regret. Right now i;m like: i carn cope with council. i definitely carn. There;s nothing really attracting me there. But then theres the other side which saes: council will b fun. And i may get to like it. And if my campaign for " DUN VOTE FOR ME" really gets thru, i dun want my p6 classmates, teachers, og to go like: arh, wat is sam expecting man, of course she;s not going to b councillor. i wish i just hadnt ran in the beginning. its one beeg mistake. bleagh. 'll just wait to see if i got thru the interviews (which i alreadi doubt), and i'll make my choice during the elections, and i think i'll just take it as it comes. i:m not gg to ask ppl to vote for me or not to vote for me, and manipulate ur minds (=PP) u all make ur own choices, if i get in or not, so be it. yup. thts the wae i wnt it. in other words, i;m waiting for external circumstances to make my mind uop for me.
Mei;s dinner today. I planned it! and it came out quite nicely!! (even though i didn;t go) at least majority of the ppl i invited went! hey! i realli had half a mind to ask my dad after my mumleft for china to let me go, but then turned out there was a family gathirng...soo..yeah. Anyway, first time planning came thru alright! afterlast weeks no go and the class outihg week b4 last.
got a nice cover for my ipod. ok, its not reri nice, its slightly oversized but still too tight (dun ask me how) =))
oh yeh.wanted to tupe an entire analysis on class spirit. but feel lazy. another dae lah =PP
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
8:28 PM
# # # Friday, April 01, 2005
Supposed to go NUS to meet prof today at 5
Left School at 4.05
Still in the MRT at 5, so called him at carefully planned time when the MRT has just left the station and is not at risk of reading" Tiong BAhru! Doo doo doo doo doo. Doors Closing> Next Stop: Redhill" I can't let him know i;m still at Tiong Bahru!
So anyway the connection had something wrong, and I can't hear him, and i was like: shit, he must be pissed! Then nadiah msged me a riddle abr witches n sg and malaysia, and i din haf her contact, so i was like: oh man, is the professor sending me this to test me? Damn scary lah.
Rushed to NUS and got off at the wrong busstop. Despite my assurances last week: next time I won;t haf such a hard time animore, it was FAKE. still had trouble finding. Luckily professor was a reri reri nice guy. He was like: NO PROBLEM! ITS OK! Then proceeded to explin proj to me, which was damn interesting. BUt thing was, cos i sent a para worth of earthquake materials to him, he was like: so you are quite familiar with earthquakes?
me: arhh *forced smile* uh.,.yeah
him: and this is the sub somethings omething fault. you know right?
me: yeah! sure!
in the mind: oh gawd, i don;t takegeog in sec sch or even human geog in crez, i;m not taking geog now, i;m a bloddy fake!! I lifted those off national geog and schaum series!!Anyway i;m damn proud of my sense of direction. Just walked around aimlessly letting myself lead myslf, and i found the busstop by pure coincidence. Ohh..and there was the lift incident=S. ASk me if you want to know.
Anyway i;m like this bloody hypocrit now. I;m this hypocritical ingrate. sheesh. wat an awful person. And i don;t deny i feel bad. I;m sorry for making you so miserable if i did. I;m realli sorry. I don;t know wat i want, which is why i;m scared. And i don;t dare admit. I think i;m living in denial.
(above is an entirely vague passage. You won't understand it, so please don;t try to unravel den come up with funni interpretations.)
btw, Chinnie came back todae!! and once again, i dunno how much i missed her until i saw her. i miss her as a partner!!Aniwae onli today tht i realised how the class comm is not even together like b4, how some ppl evolved, and i realised how sad a class comm meeting would b without chinnie *shakes head to clear thougyhts* i dun want to imagine, but b4 Olvls reulsts i was like i'll miss class comm the most if i ever haf to leave. NOw i;m staying i realise class comm havent been meeting in a while and i din even miss it. now tht i think abt it i realise i do. i miss being with chinnie ket and darren as a class comm planing lame stuff. but now i guess tht if we ever do get together again, its not gg to b the same. uh-uh.
tis xmas, plz stay wit me..
xx
9:22 PM
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